Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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