It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
