They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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