I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
