My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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