we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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