Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
