Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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