My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
