no, he came in my armpit
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
