You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
