I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
