My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
soo... how was my night?
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