if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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