Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
