I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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