you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
