why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
