So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
