My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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