I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
