I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
