so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
