If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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