hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
