pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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