John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
