Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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