Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
