I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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