You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
