so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
