The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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