My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
