mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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