I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
