I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
