How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
