I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize