rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
