I want to make a zoo with you.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
