There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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