What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
