I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
