i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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