The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
