I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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