I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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