How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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