are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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