oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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