he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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