My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
