Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
