My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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