Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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