Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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