so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
