what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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