True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Green mimosas i think yes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
