How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
