I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
