Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
