T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
